


Teal'c's comments on the Jackson requisition draft

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-24
Updated: 2006-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:33:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12731994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Teal'c comments on Jack's list of requirements for any officer who expects to be commanding Daniel in the field.





	Teal'c's comments on the Jackson requisition draft

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

HERE ARE MY COMMENTS, AS YOU REQUESTED, O'NEILL:

General Hammond asked me to write up a list of requirements that cover the task of commanding Dr. Daniel Jackson in the field. Against my, my team's, and our Chief Medical Officer's advice, the General has decided to share Daniel's skills with other off-world teams. So here they are.

I STILL DO NOT AGREE WITH DANIELJACKSON WORKING WITH OTHER THAN SG-1. I CANNOT SAFELY WATCH HIS SIX WHILE HE IS DOING SO. I WILL DISCUSS THIS FURTHER WITH GENERAL HAMMOND.

1\. Firstly, never expect Dr. Jackson to blindly do what you order him to do. Expect him to do exactly the opposite. In fact, for safety's sake, just assume Daniel will do whatever will get you and your team in the worst trouble the fastest.

INDEED. THE BEST OFFENCE IS A GOOD DEFENSE. WITH DANIELJACKSON, PRE- PLANNING DEFENSE IS DIFFICULT. HE DOES NOT THINK LIKE A WARRIOR.

2\. Do not waste the time getting angry at Daniel when he does item one above. 

YOU DO NOT FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE, O'NEILL. MAJORCARTER SAID IT WAS THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.

...I won't even mention how you'll feel if those blue eyes lose their sparkle for even one second because of your attitude. I won't mention it because you'll be dead, 'cause I'll kill you myself. AS WILL I.

3\. Do not let Daniel wear himself to the bone by not eating on a dig, or not sleeping enough. ...You will also do it because if he has dark circles under his eyes or loses even a pound as a result of being on your mission, I, Carter or Teal'c will pummel you to within an inch of your life.

I WILL BE HONORED TO PUMMEL WHOEVER DOES NOT TREAT DANIELJACKSON AS HE SHOULD BE TREATED. O'NEILL, WHAT DOES PUMMEL MEAN?

4\. Daniel is a snake magnet. Even more, Daniel is an evil magnet. Every snake, warlord, Destroyer of Worlds, spoiled princess, spoiled prince, scummy addicted bounty hunter, cold-assed Tok'ra snake bitch, crotchety Air Force Special Ops Colonel, uptight Marine Special Ops Colonel, uptight Russian General, etc., ad...

INDEED. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A PERSON WHO ATTRACTS EVIL HAPPENINGS AS REGULARLY AS DANIELJACKSON. IT IS AS IF THE UNIVERSE HAS CONSPIRED TO ATTACK HIM. I HAVE ALSO NEVER SEEN A PERSON WHO DESERVES IT LESS. 

5\. You will instantly kill anyone who tries item 4 above, except the Air Force Colonel (couldn't if you wanted to), the Marine Colonel (already in jail, and I *did* warn him), and the Russian General (could cause diplomatic incident, which would upset General Hammond).

IT IS MY HONOR TO DO THIS. IT IS INDEED TOO LATE FOR YOU, AND FOR MYSELF AS WELL.

6\. ... Trust me here, you will prefer what the snake does to you over what we do. Teal'c can be extremely bad tempered when his favorite archeologist isn't protected well enough in his opinion.

A WARRIOR SHOULD BE HONORED TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF FOR ONE SUCH AS DANIELJACKSON. I WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IF ONE DOES NOT. THAT WARRIOR WILL REGRET HIS LACK OF COURAGE AS SOON AS HE RETURNS TO THE SGC.

7\. Think every single thing that Daniel asks you to let him do over very thoroughly! Get your science officer's opinion as well, if you have one. 

INDEED. I AM JAFFA, AND DO NOT FRIGHTEN EASILY. DANIELJACKSON'S REQUESTS HAVE BROUGHT THAT EMOTION TO ME SEVERAL TIMES NOW. I AM A SIMPLE MAN, AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITIES OF HIS MIND. NOR DO I WISH TO. THAT I WILL LEAVE TO YOU, O'NEILL

I will warn you now, you will have utilize all the discipline you've learned in the military to be firm when you tell this geek no. Because he will put you through the POUT if you don't instantly capitulate. 

YOU HAVE NO DISCIPLINE WHEN DANIELJACKSON UTILIZES ALL OF HIS NATURAL ARMAMENT, O'NEILL. IN MY OBSERVATIONS, YOU NEVER HAVE HAD ANY.

Just remember, if I allow him to do something dumb, he forgives me when he gets hurt, and so does the rest of SG-1. If you let him get hurt because you have balls of cotton, well, just don't go there if you want to live to be promoted to Brigadier General sometime soon. SG-1 (other than Daniel, of course) isn't very forgiving, you will find out.

DANIELJACKSON FORGAVE ME THE GREVIOUS SINS OF MY SERVICE TO APOPHIS, AND THE KILLING OF HIS WIFE. HE HAS A GENEROUS SOUL.

8\. Get used to long lectures. Just do what I do, and either hush him up or daydream that you're in Hawaii or something. I imagine that I'm the artifact/culture/person that Daniel is waxing so happily about, and that's what gets me through. Remember, he is way smarter than anyone you know.

I COUNT TO A HUNDRED IN CHULAKIAN. THEN I COUNT BACKWARDS FROM A HUNDRED IN GOA'ULD.

9\. Always bring along a good supply of the gourmet coffee the cafeteria stocks when you go off world with Daniel. They stock that for him. The sight of Dr. Jackson in a caffeine withdrawal (every morning) if you offer him the standard MRE coffee, will haunt you for years, otherwise. 

INDEED. HE CAN BE FEARSOME WHEN HE IS OFFERED SUBSTANDARD COFFEE.

10\. Do not allow any person to share a tent with Daniel. This is a prerogative that only his SG-1 Commanding Officer gets. If I find out you have let anyone share with him, you're dead meat. The reason for this is that the man snuggles, for God's sake! I don't want him snuggling up to anyone without my prior approval, which you won't get.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO SNUGGLES, O'NEILL, AS I HAVE EXPERIENCED WHEN I HAVE SHARED A TENT WITH YOU. YOU ALSO SNORE. IT WAS VERY DISRUPTIVE FOR MY KEL'NOR'REEMING. I DID NOT LIKE IT. IT WAS ALSO NOT YOUR SIDEARM POKING MY LEG, AS YOU CLAIMED IN THE MORNING.

11\. ... But when he saves your entire team, or finds the meaning of life for you, or, God help you, he actually smiles at you, you will see that he is well worth the trouble. 

INDEED. I WOULD ATTACK ALL OF APOPHIS' ARMIES SINGLE-HANDEDLY IF A GLIMPSE OF DANIELJACKSON SMILING WERE MY REWARD. IT IS A SIGHT MORE REFRESHING OF THE SPIRIT THAN FIFTY DAYS OF KEL'NOR'REEMING. 

ADD ANOTHER ITEM, O'NEILL: 12. YOU WILL DIE IN DANIEL JACKSON'S PLACE IF YOU CAN. HE IS INFINITELY MORE VALUABLE TO THE SGC AND THE TAU'RI THAN YOU ARE. 

MASTER TEAL'C OF CHULAK


End file.
